These past two weeks have been a roller coaster ride. My emotions were insanely fickle. It jumped from one end to another in a matter of seconds a couple times. But I’m hopeful to say that things are falling into place.

When it rains, it pours; yet the best skies follow the storm. These past two weeks have been a period of growth and self-realization. No no, this isn’t about a girl. This is about me. My job, my life, my responsibilities. I’ve learned a lot these past two weeks.

I’m blessed and privileged to know that I have made amazing friends who support me in all my decisions and craziness. They are willing to put up with me and to challenge me to be better. Not to make a new me, but to make a better me. I hope you can understand the difference. But the craziness doesn’t stop yet.

I still don’t know how to get to where I want to be. I’m waiting on this opportunity, but I’m not sure where it leads yet. Luckily, I have a back-up. And that makes everything seem better. That’s why everything is piecing together. I lost my way. Fell down. Then people brought me back up. And I brought myself to walking forward.

This next week is going to be a handful too. But I’m glad I know that I can make it through.

This past Saturday I had my first panic attack. It was 3:30 in the morning. I didn’t want to try to wake anyone or see who is awake. So that made it worse. But anyway, I went online to look at how to calm yourself and one of the methods I found was to write down your worries.

This was the best thing ever! I conceptualized my problems on paper. Wrote down pros and cons. Created possible solutions. And made a to-do list.

For me, tumblr serves as a tool to release those thoughts as well. I post as a form of therapeutic treatment. Not as a form of public display. But these post are public for a reason. It feels good to write. But it feels good to write to people who care about you, like a letter. Or people who might be going through the same thing because then you’ll be able to get even more opinions!

But no more rambling. I just wanted to say thank you to those who read these. And thank you to those who check up on me. The real world can get lonely and dark. It’s nice to have a place where the light shines on you for a moment.

Seems like everybody’s got a price.

I think I just settled by taking this new job for financial reasons. Actually. I tried to see if I would like this job. And after a week … I hate it. The company is amazing and the people I work with and for are some of the finest. But for me … It makes me sad. Upset. Lost. No bearings. No future.

I need the money. But I don’t want it this way. I’ve always been one to enjoy what I do, never how much I made. This whole week has been stressful because I felt like I needed the money over my happiness. I think I’ve decided that I’m leaving this new job sooner than I expect it. And the idea of leaving is what puts a smile on my face.

P.s. there’s another opportunity right around the corner. It might not be the best fitting financially, but it may be the best fitting period.

It’s amazing how something someone can say can change you’re whole perspective on something. Even though it was just one statement, I learned a lot from it. I just needed to say it because we sometimes don’t know how much of an impact we are making on other people without even trying.

I thank my friend for giving me a whole new perspective on this girl thing. It was so obvious when I heard it, but it never crossed my mind. I forgot that this was the biggest rule in treating people right 101.

Think about them as them. Don’t think about them as you. You don’t know what they are thinking. Don’t make assumptions. Ask. Don’t nag.

Learned a lot this week.
#ImSelfish. #BlindedByMyOwnFeelings