To the wonderful friends, mentors, and loves that I have made at UCLA. I have a confession to make. After hiding and lying, I’ll tell you why I did not want to “linger” around UCLA. Bear with me as I try to explain my reasoning, but also why I may fail in what I want to accomplish.

I have told many of you that I did not want to linger around UCLA, that I wanted to get away, that I didn’t even want to visit. I told myself that I did not want to be “one of those people.” I still don’t. You see, UCLA has constructed this bubble around me and my life, and thus, UCLA became life. When I said my farewells, it was bittersweet, but liberating. This was my chance to finally leave the nest. Leave all that I once accomplished behind me as I started anew.

You see, I felt that I was sheltered from the world. I didn’t want UCLA to be my only home or my safe haven, I didn’t want to keep running back. I felt too comfortable at UCLA and I didn’t realize it until spring quarter. As the daunting reality that the “real world” was not too far away, I started to think. What have I learned and what will become of me when I leave this bubble. I never ventured into lucrative internships or gained actual work experience; I didn’t even really gain much from my major/BA (useless!). I was leaving school with no job and a debt that my family could take off from my shoulders.

I wanted to get away so I can embrace that which I have not learned. It’s hard to explain, but it’s almost like that feeling where you wanted to go away to college in high school. You wanted to be free! You wanted to feel independent from the comforts that sheltered you. I wanted and still want to see if I can liberate myself, feel as if UCLA isnt the only thing.

Yet, you all have become the biggest part of my life, and that’s where I may fail. I fear submitting myself to falling back on you all because of how wonderful you are to me. So I have resisted. I keep my visits short and infrequent so I don’t feel comfortable, because then I won’t find what I’m looking for. Edit: because then I won’t be able to first figure out what I’m looking for. UCLA’s bubble has stopped me from realizing what I want to do and become. Something of which … I have not been able to figure out still.

So as I steer away, know that I do miss some of you. I’m glad some of you think of me too. It’s wonderful knowing that if I do hit rockbottom, they’ll be people there to help me up. I appreciate all the love people have been sending, and now I have become truly sorry that I have not reciprocated the feelings wholeheartedly. Perhaps there is a “hang out” balance I may/need/should maintain, but honestly, I never quite learned how; so bear with me.

If you read this all. Thank you for your time and love. As I struggle to make/understand something about myself on this journey, know that I will try my best to make compromise; but as a token of this compromise, I hope you will do the same. I hope you will continue to support, understand, be patient with me as I figure things out. I won’t lie. I’ve been struggling to do so, but I think something I forgot to use on my search is what you all taught me. I tried to leave UCLA so bad that I forgot how big a part of me it is. I’ll try not to forget it again.

Love always, ….. Sometimes, but always,
B.

P.s. If you still don’t get it, then ask me over dinner. No guarantees, but at least they’ll be food! :)